Moderator: Argos-FoS-CA

User avatar
By Argos-FoS-CA
#7394 Lesson 4

The Fourth Class: In the fourth class in in this series we talk about putting it all together to achieve the climax and epilog of the dance. The words are in the slave, her heart and her soul are there to be revealed, now the question is, can she tell a compelling story that will keep you mentally aroused by the sensuality of her dance. The story she’s telling.


Homework Review
At the end of the last session we had discussed the three steps on how to be brief. In this lesson I’m going to go into great detail about how to accomplish Brevity by walking you through the entirety of the dance story I prepared, how I brought it down to the size I wanted, and how the dance was finalized.

Let’s get started:

Step 1: Just let it all hang out. Don’t worry about editing.
Step 2: Find the diamond in the rough,
Step 3: Make it Flow

My Step 1:

The first step Is where we throw down the entirety of the dance. In my case, the dance has to be a complete story or I will get hung up in the details and lose the point of the dance.

There are several awkward parts; but in general I tried to avoid overly focusing on one issue or another and once I had the general story down, I had to get opinions. So I enlisted all folks I could to give me opinions.

So, what are the important things to have in this story?

First: I look for all the tenses and try to make sure they are in a very simple present or past present tense.

Second: I look to see if the tempo feels right, if I have created motivation by showing you – like a camera might – the events happening.

She lay back, pushed up with her legs and arms, into the Gorean Bow that presented her deliciousness to her Master’s eyes. A scandalous view she would never have offered.

She offered various taunting rhythms of movement, her hips rose and fell, as her legs swayed side to side, creating a lovely belly dancer’s circle.

Her hips pushed high on taught legs that put a tender stress on the roundness of her buttocks. Calves formed the perfect shape for interested eyes to follow.


That’s no inner voice, I have no idea what she is thinking; but I can see her in the bow. I am drawn to “her deliciousness” as it is a not so cryptic sensual expression for the slave’s heat.

Now, here is her reaction:
A smile crossed her lips. “He is looking at me! He is looking at me!” she cried internally only to notice a moment later he was not smiling.

“He has grown tired of me!” she claimed to herself dejectedly.

“He does not find me a pleasing slave” she shouted to herself.

All the negative voices of childhood and of her early adult days came flooding back. She was going to fail. She’d never be enough for him: or anyone for that matter.


Notice that it is all inner voice. I’m now inside her head and I understand what she is experiencing.

You cannot be a camera too long; nor can you be in inner voice for the rest of the time.

Now, as an assignment – go find the conflict in this slave’s mind and this dance. I’ll answer it later.
Step 2: Here I have to start converting 62 posts into something around 20 to 30 posts so 1/3 to 1/2 of my story remains, and 1/2 to 2/3rds is eliminated. OUCH!

The key is to focus quickly on the paragraphs that make the difference, that keep the flow, and that still give you enough images and reactions for you to understand the dance.

Take some time (even after class) to reduce for yourself the dance story into the start of a dance for Palace.


For example: Take a look at the original story and find this line (it is towards the bottom)
It was so true she admitted to herself finally, after admitting it to her Master. She wanted his embrace. She needed his power. She craved his hunger to sate for him.


Does that line not feel awkward to you?

How about this as an improvement:
It was so true she admitted to herself finally, after admitting it to her Master. She wanted his embrace. She needed his power. She craved his hunger; she yearned to surrender to it; every fiver of her being had to satisfy it - fully!


Whether an improvement makes it to the final cut or not; you have to review and edit each piece honestly so you can wring out the full impact of your story.


Now compare your first effort with mine (http://goreanpalaces.com/Forum/viewtopi ... 179&t=4853 )

No we’re not done!

Step 3: Edit, edit, edit – oh yeah, re-edit. The item you see posted as the final version went through the first two edits from me; then I enlisted a slave to read it so she and I did two edits, and then I let 2 other people see it before I was done on edit number 5.

That’s not counting all the minor quick changes as you rethink the edit you were doing.

Here’s the finished dance (http://goreanpalaces.com/Forum/viewtopi ... 179&t=4854 )

{Added October 1, 2015} The slave ka'li took on the challenge of re-writing the dance in her own words, keeping the core of the dance as it was written. Compare the two, and see why this comes so much more from the heart and how it affects the quality of the dance: Click on the following link: ( viewtopic.php?f=179&t=4856 )

It is important that you find the true rhythm of your dance, and that you remain true to the character growth. She cannot be the same slave at the end of the dance; she was at the start of the dance. She must grow and you have to show the reader her path.

You have to create a conflict, and you must solve that conflict. My intent was to show that her fears, were all her own; that she wanted to be owned, but feared letting it all go. She hates that he pulled her up by the root of her hair. She hates that she was lead to the dance pit by her hair – in a common slave in leading position.

She hates that the men of Gor think that she should be thrown to the sleens as a worthless barbarian who cannot dance; which is the one thing she hates the most – her own inability to dance.

Then the whip strikes her. Oh, God she is scared, angry and full of “fight or flight”.

She is so shocked that it took 3 strikes in rapid succession to get her attention; and to trigger her endorphins to block the pain.

Then, for her, through the magic of the whips ability to coax her from pain to warm pleasure it all morphs into the extended embrace of her Master. She feels like she is in his arms. The only disappointment is that the whip retreats; but she can trust her Master to have it cuddle her once more soon.

That’s when she realizes how selfish she’s been. How it was all about her and her needs; but how submission and servitude is about doing for others and putting them first so that she can find the embrace of having “done” just like the whips embrace.

She first surrenders to the Man she serves, her surrender must be given to him or it won’t mean as much. She whispers for him and him alone; “La Kajira”

Then, she has this overpowering need to let heaven and earth know she is kajira and she understands it fully. That’s when she proclaims herself kajira to all watching.

That’s her inner conflict, her struggle and her transition from the start of the dance to the end. She is no longer the slave she was; and she never will be – at least in our eyes.

{Discussion}


FINAL THOUGHTS:

As you write your dance, use your own style. Focus on your own experiences as a slave, and use the tools from these four classes as a way to pull together a complete story, that takes your audience through the magical experience of a Gorean slave dance.


.